Purpose

My search for meaning and personal fulfilment continues quietly, almost in the background, alongside my daily habits and commitments. I have at least changed my routine, now beginning my days with stretching, breathing exercises and / or meditation, and every work shift is preceded by swimming at least 1km. I really should (and would very much like to) make more of the opportunity I have in being married to a yoga teacher too, but that’s coming. Slowly, slowly.

As I re-tune my internal radio and allow myself to be drawn towards the strongest signals, the themes that repeat themselves are not new. Some go back as far as my earliest memories, others have developed over the last few years, but none are a surprise. All have been consistently pushed aside however, in favour of earning a salary, procrastination, a lack of belief in myself or in the possibility of supporting a life and dreams in their pursuit.

I remember a car journey back when my age numbered in single digits. I can’t remember where we were going, but we were going up a hill close to home, past a DIY store with a family friend in the car. My mum asked me to tell this friend what I wanted to be when I grow up. An ecologist, I replied.

I don’t think I really knew what an ecologist was, but I knew that I wanted to save the animals, to protect nature. And to this desire, following many detours en route, is where I keep returning. It has however, thus far remained a wish, a thought, an intellectual exercise. Neither my life nor any work I’ve done has contributed anything meaningful to this childhood ambition. On the contrary, I’m fairly certain that most… probably all of my professional and personal pursuits have had an adverse effect on the planet that my younger self so wanted to improve. And it bothers me.

On the one hand I don’t have many regrets, on the other I feel a sense of sadness that I’ve strayed so far from the singularity of purpose expressed in that car all those years ago. No, I haven’t completely wasted my time, and yes, my journey has of course been educational and enjoyable in many other ways, but the yearning for a purpose, and a stronger connection to myself and the non-human world, is rearing its head much more strongly than it has done for a long time.

Where will I start? What can I do? The state of the planet was bad enough in the 1980s when I was growing up, and in the 30 plus years since it has only worsened, despite greater awareness. I’m no longer the naïve child I once was, nor the under-informed adult I grew to be. I not only despair at the obvious destruction of wilderness and wildlife, but also at the ineffectiveness of the so-called environmental movement that was born in the 1960s and has since turned previously ignored issues in to mainstream news. Whilst awareness has grown dramatically, denial, apathy, misinformation, and greed have continued to expand exponentially, and the small progresses that have been made in certain localised cases, have been eclipsed by continued global-scale destruction that continues unabated.

Where do we go from here, and what part will I play? I have made many small choices along the way that I thought were useful in reducing my impact, but now I’m not so sure. What I do believe, is that it’s going to take more and better changes than I have ever considered, and perhaps even the rejection of false ‘solutions’ that I have taken for granted. Whatever we’ve been doing so far, has not helped. And as difficult a pill to swallow as it has been, I’m questioning my own convictions and choices. And mostly my distraction from something that has felt like a deep ache inside me, supressed, and desperate for expression.

I have allowed myself to become disconnected, to live my life without enough recognition of my connection to the other beings with whom we share this planet. It’s time to re-connect, and go forward from here with purpose, passion, and informed action.