…was quite a surprise. I’ve never worried about my age, nor felt the need to mark the passing of the decades with big celebrations or self-deprecating humour. Just numbers. That’s all it is, and I really do feel that way. So, I’m sure that it’s nothing to do with being of an age that begins with a 4 now, but things are definitely not the same as they were 10 years ago.
I must now pay much more attention to my overall health and well-being… what and how I eat, my posture, my physical fitness, my mental and emotional states. I’ve always been a ‘thinker’ but I’ve never thought too seriously about any of these things before. Passing through my mid to late 30s, training less, becoming a family man and resenting work more and more, the imbalances in my life began to manifest themselves physically and psychologically.
Postural issues accompany recurring yeast infections, and I even had some intolerance issues with dairy for a few months; that however seems to have passed. An optician I visited in my early 20s told me I needn´t worry too much about my eyes, but that when I reach 40, I may need reading glasses. Turns out she was right. I now wear glasses for reading and using screens.
Somehow the invincibility of youth has given way to a previously unacknowledged recognition of a real need to be aware and take care of myself. Some focused thought and effort are required to bring myself back on track and back to myself.
Perhaps this is connected to my current existential crisis. A longing for more fulfilment and purpose. A need to relieve the stress of living pay cheque to pay cheque, and to find the time or focus to just be present. To be relaxed with myself, my wife or my children.
I would like to rediscover myself in my 40s. Ground myself. Be present. Share my abilities with the world. Be myself, for myself, so I can better contribute to the lives of those around me.
Stuart Westwood 